Friday, October 20, 2006

Adventures in infertility, part II...

This has been the most up and down week emotionally that I've had in the longest time. The arrival of Tess, the newest addition to my side of the family, left me reeling on Tuesday. It takes an awfully selfish person to cry because her brother has a child. Awfully selfish. I am a little ashamed of myself, I'll admit it.

Of course those emotions may have played a role in getting me my clomid, if, in fact, my doctor took pity on me, which I suspect. Which was exactly what I was hoping for, to skirt around the fact that my husband is being a bit of an ass about the whole thing. Here's hoping it works in three cycles or less and we don't have to worry about it any more. I'm secretly hoping for twins just so that I don't have to do this again. Not that I want the work of twins, I just don't know if I can handle more of this heartbreak in the future. TTC is like being on a roller coaster when the ride attendant is taking a lunch break. Up and down, up and down, faster, slower, you hope to get off soon because it's making you a little sick but you don't have any way of knowing how long it will be.

Then there's the part of me that isn't exactly sure I WANT to get pregnant. Of all the people I've known in the last six years or so that have gotten pregnant, I can only think of a small handful that haven't had miscarriages at some point along the way. I don't know how I would handle that, if I could handle that. To go through so much emotional turmoil, so much effort, to try to get pregnant in the first place, and then to have those hopes and dreams come crashing to the ground, that just might be more than I could take. I'm not a very strong person. I'm pretty darn weak, as a matter of fact. It would be so much easier to just say never mind, I don't want kids after all. We'll just have dogs. They act like two-year-olds anyway.

But that wouldn't close this gaping hole in my heart that is already there. That wouldn't make my stomach not drop when I see a pregnant woman, wouldn't dry the tears when I see or hold a baby. I suppose the pain is part of the experience, and it just makes you value and appreciate the end result that much more when it finally happens.


Anonymous said...

Hey Karen, haven't visited your blog in a little while. I can understand to a small degree where you're coming from, even tho' obviously it has been a lot easier for me than for you... I think if anything you are a very strong person to have gone through all of this so far! I can't imagine what it must be like when you have so many nieces and nephews around you. You will be a parent one day, I know it! You want it so badly in your heart that it will happen. Best, Becca.

kbeeps said...

Aw, thanks Becca - you're so sweet!