Monday, October 22, 2007

Two years ago today...

Two years ago today I took my last birth control pill. Sometimes it feels like forever ago. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. It's funny how much can change in just two short years.

When we started on this journey, I was full of trepidation and hope. I knew in my heart that it wouldn't be easy for us to get pregnant, but still I thought it would happen. It hasn't been easy, and it hasn't happened. There have been good times, bad times, and times of genuine apathy. I've had surgery, taken more drugs than I care to think about, and completely screwed with my hormones.

Babies have appeared all around me, in every facet of my life, except at our house. We've had two nephews and a niece join our family. One of my best friends is expecting. I've ridden the emotional roller coaster, praying that someday I would be able to step off.

And here I sit, two years later, no closer than I was then. Perhaps even farther away, because I know more now than I did then, and, well, sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

And yet, I'm ok. I'm not crying anymore. I'm not a religious person, I don't go to church, but I was raised with a belief in God and the knowledge that everything happens for a reason. If we're meant to have kids, then something is going to happen that will make that possible.

I don't know what it is, and I don't know when it will happen. So I'm waiting and seeing. Putting our financial house in order, so that if it does happen, we'll be ready. Loving on our seven nieces and nephews, enjoying them for the joy they bring to all our lives. Not giving up on the dream, and not giving up on encouraging hubby from time to time to take care of what he needs to take care of, but I'm not pushing it and I'm not nagging anymore.

The feelings haven't left completely, of course. I still listen to people complain about their kids and wonder if they know how lucky they are to have kids to complain about. Listen to pregnant women complain about morning sickness and hemorrhoids and wish I was right there with them. Yeah, I still want to slap people sometimes. But not nearly as often as I used to.

It's been two years. Who knows how many more it will be. Life is an adventure, just remember that.

My friends, love your kids. You're so lucky to have them. And when they're hard to love, send them my way and I'll love them for a while. I've got plenty of love to go around.

4 comments:

Norma said...

Oh Karen what a wonderful heart felt post. You're right...I need to appreciate my children more and not complain about them. They are a gift!
I'm cheering you on more than you know. Take care and I look forward to sharing your joy when the time does come. :)

Allen said...

K,

Thank you for the candid post. As one half of a couple who has chosen not to have children, I sometimes wish we could relinquish whatever "fertility credits" we were granted by nature. (Assuming we were granted any.)

Someday, if it is meant to be, I know you will be a great mother.

Best,
Allen

MamaZuzi said...

I didn't realize it had been that long. I also often wish I could pass along my "easy-getting-pregnant" genes to others who want kids... I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd give a lot to get the good news for you...just about anything short of having the baby myself (body too tired from my own frustrating yet miraculous two). Know I'm on your side. Now if only I were God...

Anonymous said...

Hey Karen, I read this the other day but didn't have time to post. I wish it were easier for you, and it's great to be reminded how wonderful it is to have children in my life, thank you. I think about you and your journey often, and I can't wait till there are some little ones of yours to walk alongside you. Btw love the new photo of you and D.
Best,
Becca