I should delete those posts...

...but I'm not going to. Someday, I may want to look back on them and be able to say that no matter how I'm feeling, I'm not feeling as bad as I did this week. What a hormonal nightmare.

Today is shaping up to be a good day. I slept unassisted last night. Not a lot, and I'm back to having the wackiest dreams in the universe, but without drugs. That was good.

I was afraid to switch to Kaiser last January. I did it for financial reasons, not because I trusted the medical care I would get. Turns out I got the two best doctors I've ever had.

God bless my doctor

My doctor just called me. God bless her, she is wonderful. Apparently this is common, and yep, it's all about the stupid Lupron shots. And the fact that my surgery was apparently pretty major (never mind that it didn't FEEL major to me). And anesthesia, well, that can mess with a person too. Triple whammy. Thank God I took the whole week off.

And it's OK to take the percoset to help me sleep. She was going to prescribe something else but she said since I have that already, just use it. Just a couple more weeks, and I should be back to my usual sunny self. My usual self *is* sunny, right? I'm not just imagining things???

I am holding on to my appointment with her next week, just in case I need it. But just being reassured that it's normal, well, that's helping for now.

And now I know how they feel...

It's 11 p.m. I should be asleep. Another night of racing, wild thoughts, keeping me from the sleep that I desperately hope will help my emotional state.

I am currently experiencing what I believe to be Lupron-induced depression. Powerful stuff, that Lupron. So good at what it's supposed to do, but with such nasty side effects. I've only been on it for a month and a half. I don't think I've been the same person on it that I was before. In addition to being a walking hot flash, I'm snarky, bitter, and emotional. Far more antisocial than normal. And now I'm depressed - not just sad, I think I'm actually clinically depressed. There's a crushing weight settling on my shoulders. My jaw hurts from trying not to cry.

And now I'm self-medicating. Taking percoset to help me sleep, two nights in a row. Note to self - toss the narcotics. You're not in pain. Cramps don't count. Don't make this a habit - it just spells disaster down the road.

It's not like I don't have stuff to be depressed about. Work is way more stressful than it used to be, and I haven't felt like I could take time away because of all the deadlines. I just had surgery. I can't get pregnant. My husband is about to watch yet another job end. He hasn't had a permanent job in almost five years.

No, I have stuff I can be depressed about, I'm just losing sight of all the good stuff lately. My balance is out of whack. I spent some quality time with a one-year-old today. That was amazing. I don't get to see him much, so it's good to see how he changes, though it just makes my heart ache that much more for the kids I haven't had yet.

I called the advice nurse today. She said yes, it could very well be caused by the Lupron, but that I needed to see my primary doctor about it. So I called my doctor's office. She can see me...next Wednesday. A whole week away. Tonight, that feels like forever.

I work for a mental health agency. I hear lots of stuff about access, about getting people in to see someone as quickly as possible. And now I know what they mean, and how the clients feel. Nobody who feels like this should have to wait a week to talk to someone. Someone should just be available. Maybe this experience will help me do my job better. Who knows.

My plan is to call the advice nurse again tomorrow. Ask if there's something that will counteract the Lupron, now that I don't need it anymore. Maybe some estrogen cream or something? I have at least two more weeks till the last shot wears off, maybe longer. Probably longer, who am I kidding?

My biggest fear is that they'll want to put me on more medication. Crap, I'm already taking five pills a day plus my vitamins. And soon hopefully I'll be taking clomid, even more pills. Then again, if I'm going to feel like this, maybe I shouldn't be trying to have kids. Who knows what kind of edge that might push me over. Maybe I should just be crawling in a hole until that tomorrow when the sun finally comes out, just like in the song.

Ugh. I hate feeling like this. I joked to a friend that my sunny disposition was contained in that stupid polyp that they just took out. Except now I'm wondering if that really was the case...

Ah, well, enough whining for one night. Bed calls, hopefully I'll get some sleep. On a happy note, at least I don't have to get up and go to work tomorrow!

It's Monday!

First official day of my "vacation"! Woo hoo! Of course I have to sit around and wait for the DSL installer to come...we're getting upgraded fiber-optic DSL. Why, you may ask? That's a very good question. Hmm. Could it have something to do with the fact that I have a very spoiled husband? COULD BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's ok. He tells me I'll like it better too. We'll see. Maybe we won't get booted off our online game anymore...

Anyway, the installation is supposed to take something like six hours once the guy gets here. That's ok, I have no plans. Just recuperating, resting up, healing my body after surgery and getting my brain back after far too long without a break from work.

I have piles and piles of papers to sort through. The theme of the week appears to be "let's straighten up!" Sorting, filing, plowing through back issues of magazines to keep what should be kept and toss the rest...it's an ancient vacation ritual, for the perpetually disorganized who never go anywhere!

Feeling blah...

I feel blah today. My head hurts. I'm having hot flashes on top of hot flashes. I'm tired. Damn hormones! Can I crawl in a hole for a month or so?

But seriously. I just have to make it 11 more days, and then I get my week off. Of course I have to have surgery to get it, but I'll take it any way I can at this point. I just wish I didn't have two events to get through before then - what happened to the nice slow summer?

And how DID my boss manage to take nearly three weeks off over the course of the summer while I was juggling multiple deadlines that all hit at once? What happened to my nice slow summer, when I was supposed to catch up on everything? Fall has all but arrived, and me without my down time.

*sigh*... I think I'll have to go get a bit of a Johnny Depp fix to take my mind off things. Finding Neverland...here I come!